Sorcerer's apprentice

Jerry Bruckheimer [JB] is a highly successful Hollywood producer (Cold Case, CSI, Amazing Race and many more series for TV; Pirates of the Caribbean, Beverly Hills Cop and National Treasure series, Blackhawk Down, Pearl Harbour, Top Gun, Armageddon, Flashdance and many more blockbusters). That means he can afford to take an occasional loss, which he deserved to do for organising such a woefully-misconceived copycat action-adventure as The Sorcerer's Apprentice [TSA].

The bomb had a budget of US$150 million; it grossed only US$63 million at the North American box office. Yet, fortunately for his co-producers, and confirming Bruckheimer's showbiz shrewdness, its total 2010 global earnings, including DVD sales, were more than US$234 million. It almost broke even on the bottom line.

Bruckheimer is also a loyal associate for talents he likes, especially those that bring in the bucks. He's worked frequently with such directors as Michael Bay and the two Scott brothers; his favourite actors include Denzel Washington, Will Smith, and Tom Cruise and Colin Farrell in their early years. For TSA, he re-hired the director and lead actor of his National Treasure series, Jon Turteltaub and Nicholas Cage (who also starred in JB's The Rock, directed by Bay, as well as Gone in 60 Seconds and Con Air).

Consequently, it's fair to guess that JB knew exactly what he was concocting with TSA's lead story writers, the veteran duo of Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal (Star Trek VI, Superman IV, Planet of the Apes, etc). He added a younger third creator, Matt Lopez, fresh, not that it's an appropriate word, from dreaming up Race to Witch Mountain, to head up a trio of screenplay writers, alongside the equally young writing partnership of Doug Miro and Carlo Bernard (who also worked together at the same time on JB's dire Prince of Persia).

At this point, it will be clear that JB was planning for an action-adventure movie in which lead actor Cage would have young assistants, thus appealing to key audience segments. Cage would be a senior super-magician, which was a doddle for him as he was playing a similar role around the same time in Kick-Ass, a Brit movie that wasn't likely to be a market challenger in America.

Cage presumably can demand more than a few million to headline a project, his market-drawing appeal a proven winner, even though he can be one of Hollywood's laziest actors (often kindly called laid-back). He's either revved up to a degree dependent on his directors' sensitivity (ideally in Herzog's Bad Lieutenant) or he's coasting in neutral, frowning inexpressively (as he is in TSA). JB's budget therefore needed a couple of inexpensive youngsters as The Young Apprentice and The Gorgeous Girlfriend.

Canadian actor Jay Baruchel had just worked with Ben Stiller on two films (Tropic Thunder and Night at the Museum) and, although he was almost 30, he looked young enough. His multi-ethnic ancestry created a face that might attract desire (among girls) or identification (among young males), if audiences were prepared to overlook a dead expression, twisted mouth and bad acting. His height-fearing female fellow-adventurer was better cast, Australian model/actress Teresa (December Boys, Bedtime Stories) handling the limited role effectively.

A baddy or two, JB? Of course, and there's Alfred Molina, who'd played a jealous genius before (Spider-Man 2) and was already working for JB in Prince of Persia. He's not a cheap hire now either, but his wicked young apprentice could be and, lo and behold JB, there's another Englishman we can lift off the Prince sets, Toby Kebbell, who can be made to look and sound summink like Russell Brand, so that's the English market covered, innit?

What about the European market? Well, JB, there's this Italian actress that's made a lot of French films and she was in two Matrix movies, and the name of Monica Bellucci will look good on European mastheads; she can play Cage's long-lost/trapped beautiful old girlfriend. American matrons will admire her too. A black? Of course JB, what about the obese youngster Omar Benson Miller from your Miami branch of the CSI franchise? And we've included cameo roles for a couple of Chinese faces, and a pair of small parts for older faces (an old witch and Merlin). So what's left, JB?

Of course, special effects, and that's where JB spent big as usual, putting his producers' money "on the big screen", employing hundreds of experienced technicians to replicate tricks from their previous work on the Batman, Matrix, Potter and other visual-effects epics. Wow, JB, someone said, why don't we reverse-animate the Sorcerer's Apprentice tricks with real CGI brooms and floods like Disney had in the original Fantasia? Old folks will love telling their kids about that after the movie? We'll put other quotes like that on show too, JB.

Okay, JB finally cried, perhaps, enough with the cliches! I need to hold some in store for my next productions. Another Cage/Turtletaub/JB bomb is surely on its assembly line already.